雅思大作文修改 高分！！求分数。。

用词多样化我是赞成的，但是堆砌辞藻肯定不算是好文章。词语用准了可以提高文章，用得不准反而会贻笑大方。我觉得用词需要加强，这里需要的是一点一滴的长期努力。有些很细致的用词和表达是需要细微感觉的，你能体会出多少算多少吧。

原文：It is generally believed that the subjects and course contents of students should be decided by official institution such like local governments.

第一句的抄袭痕迹过重，借用了题目第一句的表达结构和用词细节，鉴于第二句和后文所显示的语言能力，我觉得你自己语言再表述的实力没有发挥出来。

个人认为，比如the subjects and course contents显然就是考你curriculum这个词，在首句就进行替换应该有助于提高首句质量。

Generally believed 一般要用在有主流共识的情况。因为后边你说业界的观点并不统一，还达没到generally的程度，这里用widely believed比 generally believed 更合适。

“institution” 要加s

students 主要指中小学阶段，题目用的children,所以建议加个”young”。通常，第一句最好指代更清楚，后文才可以省略简化。

改写:It is widely believed that the curriculum for young students should be decided by education departments.

原文：However, whether teachers should be given authority to make a decision about the curriculum for young students is a challenging issue in education.

感觉语言不够精炼，实际表达的信息并不多。这不是个“挑战性”的问题，是个“有争议”的问题。”challenging issue”改为“controversial issue”

改写:However, whether teachers should be given more authority to make such decisions is a controversial issue.

原文：In my opinion, when designing the educational policy on curriculum, authorities should take the suggestions from teachers into account at the meantime.

“the educational policy on curriculum”太累赘了，好像没有这么用的。建议改成“educational policy or curriculum”或单用“curriculum”。

还有一个是用词似似而非的问题。Take suggestion通常是在有建议的情况下被动使用。问题和前文中并没有说老师们已经提出了不同意见, 所以这里最好用“征询”意见而不该用“采纳”意见。用词最好是主动的invite suggestions,而不是take suggestions。另外，仅仅suggestions可能方式太局限，不如用inputs。

At the meantime 在这里纯属画蛇添足。At the meantime不知是否地道，通常用 in the meantime。但是放在这里也还是不合适。meantime一般是指代个某事发生前的临时时段。使用In the meantime 要让读者理解你所指代的时间段的起止，而这里没有明确e68a84e8a2ade79fa5e98193362meantime的起止时间或事件，属用词不当。

改写：In my opinion, when designing curriculum, authorities should invite inputs from teachers.

原文：In the first place, curriculum designed by authorities should be given priority.

严格地说，“大纲“应当被“遵从”，只有“大纲内容“可以被”优先“。“given priority”用在这里和前面不太搭配。给你举个例子体会一下吧：curriculum content should be given priority。因为本文讨论的不是扩展内容，这里建议将“given priority”改为“adhered to“，“followed”或”respected”。以上三个词从最严格到最不严格排序，根据你比较骑墙的观点可能你会选最后一个。

改写：In the first place, curriculum designed by authorities should be respected.

原文：Before carrying out the educational policy, lots of research and investigations must have been done by official institutions.

还是用词不当问题。“Carry out“ 是 implementation/execution的意思，与后文不搭配。根据后文的论述，这里用的意思应该是教育政策的”制定“或”颁布“而非“执行“。所以应该把carry out替换为formulate或make或publish。

“The”应改为“an”， 这里应是泛指的政策。

还有一点，这个句子用词太口语化了，文风不够学术。“lots of“这个短语是比较口语化的，严肃的学术写作文体最好使用更正式的词语表达建议改为”extensive”。另外如果改写得狠一点，”Before publishing“,” “done”等处也可以使用更加学术化的表达。

改写：Prior to the publication of any educational policy, extensive research and investigations must have been conducted by official institutions.

原文：This means those educational plans widely satisfy the demand of student's intellectual development and employment in the future.

至少要加入”needs”，future位置可调。

改写：This means those educational plans widely satisfy the demand of student's intellectual development and future employment needs.

原文：Another advantage is that uniform curriculum made by official institutions can contribute to unify and regulate the unitive educational system，avoiding the irregular standards of native schooling.

加入“a”。unify 和 unitive 显得用词重复。“irregular“改为“inconsistent” ， “native” 要改为”national”。

改写：Another advantage is that a uniform curriculum made by official institutions can contribute to unify the educational system, avoiding the inconsistent school standards nationwide.

原文：However, almost governments concerns more about the requirements of student's development from the social view rather than the interests of the youths.

“Almost” 改为 “most”, “concerns”去掉s, “social view” 可改”expectations from the society”，其他可酌情修改。后文你正确使用的“cater to”不妨放这里使用。

改写：However, most governments concern more about the education outcomes meeting general expectations from the society rather than cater to the interests of the individual youths.

原文：It's hard to avoid that students lose enthusiasm on study toward some boring theoretical classes.

原文的表达不自然。有多种改法比如：“lost enthusiasm for school” 或 “lost interest on some classes”

改写：It’s hard to avoid that some students lost interests on some theory study classes.

原文：On the contrary, teacher's abundant teaching experiences can remedy the defect of the educational policy made by authorities.

说官员的政策有“defects”似乎又是用词不妥。你又不是反对党，也不是在写攻击政策的文章，用“Defect”这个词似乎太重了，不如用”deficiency” 。

“On the contrary“用在这里其实是不恰当的。想想教师的教学经验可以弥补官员教育政策的不足这个观点与什么观点是相对呢？难道是教学经验无用论？前边两句已经用过however 转折了，这里contrary 的对象指代不清。

改写：In this regard, the rich teaching experiences a frontline teacher has can supplement the deficiencies of the curriculum made by the authorities.

原文：Teachers spent their working hours with students together so that teachers understand the student's requirements better than official institutions.

Spent改spend，student’s 改 students’, 第二个“teacher”可以改”they”以避免重复， “institutions”要去掉。学生的需求一般用needs而不用requirements.

改写：Teachers spend longer hours with students, so that they understand students’ needs better than officials.

原文：Also, the subjects and course contents designed by teachers cater to the needs of student's interests better.

“the needs of studnets’ interests” 不是地道的英文,太拗口了。是去掉“the needs of”还是去掉“ interest”二选一吧。考虑上句用了 “needs”, 这句建议保留”interest”

改写：Also, the subjects and course contents designed by teachers cater to student’s interests better.

原文：In addition, it is necessary that let teachers participate in the process of designing the subjects and courses for students since the significant position of education the teachers play.

基本修改的话“that” 改 “to”. “position” 改 “roles”，”position”指代比较”role”更具体， 第二个“of” 改“in”, “the”改 “that”。前半句改得精炼点，后半句改得通顺点，自己体会吧。
改写：In addition, it is necessary to involve teachers in the curriculum development process, recognising the significant roles that teachers play in education.

原文：In conclusion, the subjects and course contents for children should be decided by authorities , such as the central government. However, we can not neglect the disadvantages that the authorities have. And teachers' participation can remedy the defect to some extent. In other words, during the process of drafting the educational policy on curriculum, authorities should take the suggestions from teachers into account .

整段来吧，不解释了。

改写：In conclusion, school curriculum should primarily be decided by the education department at national level. However, in light of the disadvantages such arrangements may have, authorities should value teachers’ participation through out the curriculum drafting process and allow for flexibilities in local teaching practice.

我雅思7.5分，呵呵，希望能给你一些帮助。我只改了错误和很不妥的地方，没有改进单词、词组的选择、句子、文章结构、逻辑顺序等等，那个工作不能随便做，而且要根据你个人习惯来写e68a847a64335。

1. it is arguable WHETHER CHILDREN SHOULD be busy
1>删掉that 2> 调整顺序

2.paid work can PROVIDE work experience which is significant for CHILDREN TO study SOCIAL KNOWLEDGE and START taking obligations

3.lay the foundation for the employment of the young students IN THE FUTURE

4.好几处 youngsterS加复数

5.AS A CONSEQUENCE, youngsters may fall behind the others if spending major time on paid work.

章结构没什么好说的，老套路，也很好用，算有说服力的模板。词组选择的宽度还是不够广。 关键问题是第二段论证不够充分，还可以再多写，多二三十个词，论证也更充分，字数也更足。而且第一和第二条理由层次不清晰。有一些错误和语序问题。综上，我觉得可以在5分到6分，还有上升的空间。
大作文和小作文的四项评分：
如果是7,8,8,8，那就平均为7.75，然后round down，即7.5分
四项评分都是zhidao整分，没有小数。
雅思作文总成绩算法：
大作文和小作文的分数分别占2/3,1/3，然后round down。
如果大作文7.5，小作文7，那7.5*2/3+7/3=7.33，然后round down是7分
*round down不是四舍五入，简单说，就是忘低的分数算，哪怕是6.99（不可能有的啦只是打个比方）也算作6.5分。所以说写作总成绩想提高回一分，可能实际要其中一篇作文提高2分，超恶心的。
还有有的人说作文总成绩是算平均数，是答因为小作文大作文很少相差一分多，1:2算起来和平均没差别。其实也不一定，要是小作文超一般，大作文超好也不是没有可能相差一分。

一起讨论! 共同进步~~ O(∩_∩)O ~~
In the present age(开头最好不要这样写 模板太明显的话 一般都是5-5.5分) ,it is generally arguable that whether (should放到孩子们的后面 whether是从句这里不用倒装) children be busy with some money-making jobs.(感觉这句没完, 应该加上or focus on studying at school.)Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue(这里可以换同义词比如dispute 或者debate可能感觉更好哈~) that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study(如果表名词应该是Studies估计你应该不会想用动词嘿嘿~) and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.(我没背过模板,就是感觉这个前半句跟后面I AM 有点重复的说 最好改改哈~比如逗号后面用the former view做主语is more convincing什么的~)

There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly(firstly & most importantly比较常用吧). Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job(some kind of 修饰不可数n. parttime job可数...) may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster(前面要加冠词) may fall behind the others as a consequence of spending major time on paid work(可以用making a profit代替有偿工作 稍稍感觉有点重复啦 不换也没事~).Last but not the least, working in flexible society would emerge variety of possible problems. For example,some child labourers ask children to do some illegal works(work单数 不然意思就变了) which could lead to serious physical and emotional hazards.(中间可以加个cognitive ^_^)

Admittedly , valuable work experience is beneficial to youngster(加冠词). The reason for this is that young students can learn how to take responsibilities and promote their adaptability(-ies这个词可数哦). Even so, paid work may make the children (to删掉e69da5e887aa7a64336吧 MAKE DO/DOING) only concentrate on making money instead of study(感觉最好-ing比较对仗工整啦~). Moreover(用过这个词换了吧 这种conj很多滴 比如furthermore, what's more, likewise什么的), some youngster would like to step into society and leave off their study.(like可以说prefer 这个词还有点贬义的感觉用这里刚刚好哈~ ; 后面leave...或者直接说drop out of school)

Overall, i would concede that paid work have some merits on enriching work experience and contributing to the ability to survive.(感觉the survival ability of individuals可能更好..) Despite that,(that容易误会 用this感觉更清楚~) children that engaged in making money may cause many possible serious dangerous problems.(may和Possible有点重复吧 而且problems加的adj太多了顺序也可能出错的...不如尽量转换n.还属于高级写法~比如the potential impact of issues) In summary, i am convinced (把前面的i am favor of 放这里吧~嘿嘿~)that government should make laws to regulate the market of child labour and monitor the children work in reasonable time.(貌似最后一句总结chinglish点... 可以说government should make laws to regulate general public labour market and restrict the act of hiring the child labour)

有点乱呵呵 凑合看吧~ 不过你总体思路好清晰哇~~~~
应该在6-6.5之间吧。。。有时候更容易在小作文上丢分……