求助~~~~雅思作文批改

Hardly can the public reach a consensus on the question whether authorities should be economically responsible for the prevention of diseases or the treatment of patients in current society. I would like to compare these two opinions from the following aspects. (第一段你是套模板的，我就不改了，不过以后还是记得要自己写，因为太容易看出来了）

Recently, huge amount of money has been invested in public health and medical research departments to ensure the delivery of advanced treating techniques and the availability of free medical services. Evidently, this measure has been approved by a large number of people in that they regard it as a kind of resident allowance donated by the governments and a bridge connecting them with authorities. Furthermore, with the prevalence of free medical services and the application of latest medical technologies, an increasing number of citizens are safe from the serious consequences or side effects triggered by some harmful dieases.

However, many clinical experts, sociologists and economists advise the government should concentrate more on the precaution of diseases and strengthening public health. For instance, stopping environment from being contaminated is a good way to reduce the insidence of certain diseases. Moreover, the governments should advocate healthy diet and lifestyles , which are much better than the delivery of post-disease medicares

In conclusion, the government should focus more on disease prevension becuase it not only keeps people healthy, but also releases the pressure of medical institutions.

帮你重写了后面几段，提几点意见吧
1 注意选词和搭配的得体。你最好多看e79fa5e98193e58685e5aeb9335一些通俗的英文材料，学习一下人家的表达。
2 注意语言的简洁，
3 不要套模板。

就是你写作文，他们那请专业的老师给zd你改。我弄过一张，感觉还行。老师改的挺负责挺仔细的，专逻辑啊，语法啊，内容结构布置啊，连拼写错误都给改出来了。。额。我错了好多。。丢人。。 从我个人的感觉来说，如果属你这4篇都是认真写的话，收获还挺大的。
两个问题百 Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?第一个问题，楼主回答了。但是第二个问题上，似乎度有一点偏题I tend to distinguish the reasons that raise happy feelings into two kinds强调的是原因。
再者是行文问不是很流畅。
开头的答As we known, happiness is increasingly playing an essential role in such a competitive today. ，实在是大大的套话。
而且我有点好奇，楼主是不是考版过六级，感觉权文章的布局太...六级。
本人愚见^^

Some people think pollution and damage of environment are resulted from a country developing and becoming richer, and this is hard to be avoided. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In present day society, the human race is progressing at a staggering rate （用的好词语）in multitude arenas. Accompany all the boons brought about by it also generate heat discussion. In term of polluting environment, some people think it is attributed by a country developing and this is hard to be avoided. To contrast, the other people argue that damage of environment is leaded by citizens are lacking awareness of protecting circumstance. In my essay, I will discuss this pressing problem.

你的观点是什么？？ 支持哪一个？？
In term of polluting environment, some people think it is attributed by（attributing to） a country developing and this is hard to be avoided.
In term of polluting environment, some people think it is chiefly attributing to the constant procedure of country developing ,which is unlikely inevitable to our environments.

To contrast, the other people argue that damage of environment is leaded by citizens are lacking awareness of protecting circumstance.
双谓语了严重错误
To contrast, the other people argue that damage of environment is leaded by citizens who are lacking awareness of protecting circumstance（circumstance词用的不准如不打算用environment可用 habitat and planet）
）.

With the rapid development of urban, more and more traffic vehicles appearing, following this, vast of harmful gases are discharged to the environment. Carbon dioxide is the most detrimental substance of them, meanwhile, is also the main component of greenhouse gas. As a result of constant growingly carbon dioxide, it will effect global warming, then the ice-caps and glaciers in the poles will melt and the level of sea rise. It direct causes some extent of regions and countries are submerged in the vast ocean. According to the BBC news, a polar bear was drowned in the Arctic Ocean, the wretched creature died without know why the glaciers are thawing. In fact, the culprit is the greenhouse gases. 是自己写的吗 还是copy 过来的。。。

其实如果打算自己写 可以调用熟悉的词汇

From the mass media，the plight （剑四第一篇阅读词汇热带雨林那片Y F NG出现的）of Polar bears is a symbol as globe warming）

As a result of constant growingly (不断地增加constantly growing )carbon dioxide, it will effect(导致 give rise to) global warming, then the ice-caps and glaciers in the (Antarctica) 这可是剑7 剑五听力高频场景词汇呀。。。 poles will melt and the level of sea rise

Carbon dioxide is(one) the most detrimental substance to them, meanwhile, is also the main component of greenhouse gas
不仅Carbon dioxide是而且其他危害更大
Be detrimental to 而不是be detrimental of

Nonetheless, some people still argue that if raising people’s awareness of protecting environment and take immediate measure, we can curb the proliferation of pollution. For instance, the government should appeal using the new-clear power to replace the petrol. （to harness the new-clear power）

Having considered the both views, my conclusion is （that表语从句） if we can develop the economic and increase the sense of protecting environment at the same period, the problem will be solved soon.

基本可以 估计 5.5左右 分可能性最大。。。。
有点跑题 说的是 污染 破坏环境导致国家e68a84e8a2ade79fa5e98193334发展 富裕
你开始写 陆地沉没 后来写 如何 解决） 那么与带来发展有何关系。。。。

加油 在写几篇。。
可交流