雅思大作文批改！高分！！求分数~~

As a result, certain individuals hold a view that writing letters are fading away even disappearing thoroughly.

建议改词：hold a view- proclaim claim assert advocate
Personally, I think their view is overly simplistic.

雅思大作文还是写作规范点好，think要换掉，还要加that
第一段末尾说了自己的观点，和第二段开头有点罗嗦。
Also, some persons just love writing,
persons-people

Many people believe that it is better for some feelings conveyed by characters rather than oral way
way加s

some claim letters will disappear thoroughly.
加that, thoroughly 用得太多，7a64e59b9ee7ad94362可以换成drastically dramatically compeletly

Besides that, even just feelings, such as a kind of hobby, can also keeping individuals writing letters without stop
can also keep without stopping

even e-mails，a common way to communication,
a commom way(access methodology) to communicate

maybe the number of people love writing letters are less than what it used to be
the number of people loving或者people who

总的来说，词汇量还是不错的，但是句子上可以较大加强，定语从句使用较多，可以尝试平行结构，省略结构，插入语等，同时，句子缺少长句，长短句结合不是很好，通常雅思写作在提出自己一个观点之后，应当用1-2长短句进行扩展，而不是直接写下一个观点。
另外，如果对写作较为熟练，在时间 字数充足的时候， 开头请不要使用模版句式或类模版句式， 建议直接写At present, whether the auto-mobiles will dominate the leadership of the writing letters has became a controversial issue.

我也是雅思新手，不足之处请多指出~谢谢~

一起讨论! 共同进步~~ O(∩_∩)O ~~
In the present age(开头最好不要这样写 模板太明显的话 一般都是5-5.5分) ,it is generally arguable that whether (should放到孩子们的后面 whether是从句这里不用倒装) children be busy with some money-making jobs.(感觉这句没完, 应该加上or focus on studying at school.)Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue(这里可以换同义词比如dispute 或者debate可能感觉更好哈~) that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study(如果表名词应该是Studies估计你应该不会想用动词嘿嘿e68a847a686964616f336~) and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.(我没背过模板,就是感觉这个前半句跟后面I AM 有点重复的说 最好改改哈~比如逗号后面用the former view做主语is more convincing什么的~)

There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly(firstly & most importantly比较常用吧). Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job(some kind of 修饰不可数n. parttime job可数...) may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster(前面要加冠词) may fall behind the others as a consequence of spending major time on paid work(可以用making a profit代替有偿工作 稍稍感觉有点重复啦 不换也没事~).Last but not the least, working in flexible society would emerge variety of possible problems. For example,some child labourers ask children to do some illegal works(work单数 不然意思就变了) which could lead to serious physical and emotional hazards.(中间可以加个cognitive ^_^)

Admittedly , valuable work experience is beneficial to youngster(加冠词). The reason for this is that young students can learn how to take responsibilities and promote their adaptability(-ies这个词可数哦). Even so, paid work may make the children (to删掉吧 MAKE DO/DOING) only concentrate on making money instead of study(感觉最好-ing比较对仗工整啦~). Moreover(用过这个词换了吧 这种conj很多滴 比如furthermore, what's more, likewise什么的), some youngster would like to step into society and leave off their study.(like可以说prefer 这个词还有点贬义的感觉用这里刚刚好哈~ ; 后面leave...或者直接说drop out of school)

Overall, i would concede that paid work have some merits on enriching work experience and contributing to the ability to survive.(感觉the survival ability of individuals可能更好..) Despite that,(that容易误会 用this感觉更清楚~) children that engaged in making money may cause many possible serious dangerous problems.(may和Possible有点重复吧 而且problems加的adj太多了顺序也可能出错的...不如尽量转换n.还属于高级写法~比如the potential impact of issues) In summary, i am convinced (把前面的i am favor of 放这里吧~嘿嘿~)that government should make laws to regulate the market of child labour and monitor the children work in reasonable time.(貌似最后一句总结chinglish点... 可以说government should make laws to regulate general public labour market and restrict the act of hiring the child labour)

有点乱呵呵 凑合看吧~ 不过你总体思路好清晰哇~~~~
应该在6-6.5之间吧。。。有时候更容易在小作文上丢分……
没事的，评分有4个标准，走题只是其中一个，而且还有小作文的分数。
我会告诉你811那场第一个问题要写影响我写了原zhidao因吗，而且占了全文2/3的篇幅，第二个问题答了几行。这个比你走题走得厉害多了。最后W6.5。那次的小作文用15分钟写的，刚够字数。

走题的影响没你想的大，要回看的是总体，我也考过全部写完，没走题，够字数，结果作文5.5的，两次考试间隔不远。

没用模板，句型变化多，语法错误不多，词汇够用，小作文不错。这样就算不够字数或跑题也有可能答6-6.5分

考完就别想啦，成绩出来就知道了，纠结也没啥用不是

我雅思7.5分，呵呵，希望能给你一些帮助。我只改了错误和很不妥的地方，没有改进单词、词组的选择、句子、文章结构、逻辑顺序等等，那个工作不能随便做，而且要根据你个人习惯来写。

1. it is arguable WHETHER CHILDREN SHOULD be busy
1>删掉that 2> 调整顺序

2.paid work can PROVIDE work experience which is significant for CHILDREN TO study SOCIAL KNOWLEDGE and START taking obligations

3.lay the foundation for the employment of the young students IN THE FUTURE

4.好几处 youngsterS加复数

5.AS A CONSEQUENCE, youngsters may fall behind the others if spending major time on paid work.

章结构没什么好说的，老套路，也很好用，算有说服力的模板。词组选择的宽度还是不够广。 关键问题是第二段论证不够充分，还可以再多写，多二三十个词，论证也更充分，字数也更足。而且第一和第二条理由层次不清晰。有一些错误和语序问题。综上，我觉得可以在5分到6分，还有上升的空间。7a686964616fe78988e69d83335